The Big Funny Looking Rock of Eternal Damnation
by pheonixflamechimera78
Summary: The only logical explanation for all of this was that it was a dream. Unfortunately for Sasuke, in a place where logic doesn’t exist, logical explanations don’t do much good. Rated T for nonsense, crossovers/random references, and language. CRACK.
1. Of Telephones and Tennis Rackets

**Meow: Ufufu…Finally, my first Naruto crack-fic! I find it so odd that my first two Naruto fics were both angst/tragedy, with Sasuke dying… I mean, I write **_**crack**_**! It's what I do! *slaps self repeatedly***

**Anyway, it's not like Sasuke will fare any better in this story. He probably won't die though. Just his sanity. I must really enjoy making him suffer…**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. Ha! I did it without a single comment on how completely unnecessary that was!**

**Warning: OOCness. Pure OOCness. After reading this, you may or may not lose respect for some characters, but for me, it's all in the name of fun. XD And…um…god!rock? I don't know. I guess there is an OC, but it's a rock…come on, people.**

There once was a rock in the world of ninjas. It was big and funny-looking, and it also happened to damn random people who it didn't like for eternity.

Thus, it was named "The Big Funny-Looking Rock of Eternal Damnation," or the "TBFLRED," for short. People who lived near it and were familiar with the legend affectionately referred to it as "Fred."

It is said that it changed location from time to time, but it didn't do so very often. Also, it occasionally altered its shape. However, Fred always stayed true to its name and remained funny-looking. Its methods of torture were never used twice; they changed depending on its mood.

Yes, rocks have moods. Acknowledge that, or Fred will damn you.

All in all, Fred was a flexible, free rock. It did what it wished to do, and changed when it wanted to.

Two things that never changed, though, were that every single person it damned became insane, and that nothing can ever hope to destroy it. Not even Zaraki Kenpachi*. Of course, not that he would want to, because where was the fun in fighting a rock?

~~~~~~~rockrockrockrockrock~~~~~~~

Uchiha Sasuke was tired. Really, who wouldn't be after all of that spotlight-stealing that he's been doing?

Anyway, by a bend in the river that he was walking along, hoping to find shelter for the night, Sasuke chanced upon a large rock, which was shaped vaguely like two hundred rabid rodents trying to dismember a telephone using an oversized tennis racket. _What an average-looking rock,_ thought the raven-haired avenger.

After searching its surface thoroughly for traps (which left Fred feeling slightly violated), Sasuke decided that it would be safe to sleep on it.

Now, Fred was a forgiving rock. It allowed itself to be searched, thinking that the only reason the boy was being so paranoid was because he was a ninja. But as soon as the kid started to make himself comfortable in the spot between the "tennis racket" and the "telephone," Fred had enough. I mean, come on. Would _you_ like having an angsty little Uchiha sleep on you?

If you're a fangirl, don't answer that.

It sucked Sasuke into the famed "Portal of Insanity," which, as he would soon discover, was _extremely_ aptly named.

~~~~~~~rockrockrockrockrock~~~~~~~

Sasuke woke up staring into a very familiar pair of eyes. Eyes that he thought he'd never see again. Eyes whose owner _he_ had killed.

"I-Itachi's ghost?" he wondered aloud with an uncertain tone.

Without giving any indication that he had heard, the man and his eyes stared at him some more for a couple of seconds, and then whirled around, begging the orange-haired man that stood behind him.

"HE'S SO _CUUUUTE!!!_ LET'S KEEP HIM, PEIN!!!"

"But Itachi-" said Pein, trying to object.

"We need a mascot!"

"We have Tobi," said Pein with a hint of exasperation.

"But…but…he'll be lonely! And cold! And hungry!"

Pein sighed. "Just leave him to die, Itachi…"

"But he's too young to die!" yelled Itachi, looking horrified.

"You can't even take care of a fish-"

"But it's not my fault Kisame was hungry!"

"Yeah? Well what if Zetsu gets hungry? He'll eat the kid! He's gonna die either way!"

This argument went on for a couple more minutes, until Itachi pulled out his trump card.

"I'm telling Konan that you were going to leave a defenseless boy to die!"

Pein slumped. "Fine…" he muttered, his defeat evident.

Sasuke looked on, obviously scared out of his wits, cowering in a dark corner. He came to a conclusion; in fact, it was the first correct conclusion he had come to since the beginning of this pointless, nonsensical, poorly written fanfiction: The Rock had cursed him.

And naturally, being the emo Uchiha he is, he swore to take revenge.

*** Epic character in Bleach. Captain of the Eleventh Division, pwns everything with brute force. Finds fun in fighting opponents that are likely to kill him, but he's too badass to die.**

**Well, that's finally over with. First chapter's a bitch. And second, and third, and fourth…you get the point.**

**Special thanks to Rubyemmy and my partner-in-crime, Mango (who says hi), for putting up with me and my insanity on a daily basis (imagine the horror!).**

**Stick around (or not, if you value your IQ) for the next (horrendous) installment of The Big Funny-Looking Rock of Eternal Damnation!**


	2. Of Mascara and Scythes

**Meow: This chapter is dedicated to BananaNutCrunch, who so kindly left the first review for this story. She is also my mentor in the ways of crackery. If you like Bleach crack, go read some of her stories. **_**Nau**_**.**

**This month, my stories got 200+ hits. In total. *slump* I know it's pathetic, but I can't help but be happy. *dances***

**I like this chapter slightly more than my first. *shrugs* I don't know why.**

**Disclaimer: Who even **_**wants**_** Naruto when you can have **_**Fred**_**? (I do, goddamnit. Screw the rock.)**

Not ever having heard of the legend of Fred the Rock, Sasuke decided that it would probably let him out after it had its fun. Probably.

However, being socially inept, he didn't know that people who enjoyed torturing others (sadists, in general) enjoyed the _reaction_ the most. He thought that if he didn't object and let the "Evil Rock," as he oh-so-inventively decided to call it, do whatever it liked to him, he would be set free from the nightmare.

And that was why he was sitting on Tobi's lap, the orange embodiment of a stoic's nightmare holding him still while Konan smeared blush on his twitching face.

"Please stop that, Uchiha-san. You're making it very difficult for me to make you beautiful," said Konan in a gentle tone, eyes fixed intently upon her work. Sasuke stopped, remembering the "no reaction" policy that he had made for himself. After she was finished, the blue-haired woman turned around to reach for the mascara.

The twitching returned, slightly more violent than before. Konan opened the bottle and looked at him.

"I said, please stop that, Uchiha-san, unless you want me to _accidentally_ poke one of your eyes out with _this_," she said in the same friendly tone, with the same motherly smile, brandishing the small brush, which to Sasuke suddenly appeared rather menacing.

Sasuke stopped twitching. _Holyshitthatbitchisscary,_ he thought.

Konan paused again. "Please refrain from thinking such vulgar language in my presence," she ordered. "Or else, I shall have to paint your nails."

Sasuke immediately tried to push all vulgarity-related thoughts from his mind while trying to ignore the fact that Konan had heard exactly what he was thinking. He succeeded, only to have her coat his nails with unnecessarily bright colors anyway. He was too scared to argue or object, and he sat in Tobi's lap for another two hours after Konan packed up her things and left, cold sweat dripping down his face.

He would have stayed in that position longer if Tobi had not finally gotten tired of sitting like that, gotten up, and left Sasuke to unceremoniously roll onto the floor, where he remained, curled up in the fetal position.

Tobi then proceeded to skip right over Sasuke's "beautified" face, claiming that he needed to "go potty," and that he was going to "play with Sempai after."

Sasuke's temporarily suppressed sane conscious wondered if the reason that Tobi barely changed at all in this world of torture was because he was so obnoxious in the first place. He decided that it was probably the case. He also concluded that the Evil Rock was a force to be reckoned with, and that it _probably_ wouldn't let him go, even if he let it do whatever it wanted with him. What a smart kid.

_I will break out of this terrible place and stop this accursed rock,_ he thought with determination as his sanity slowly took control once more and he stood up. "I will break out of this terrible place and stop this accursed rock," he said to nobody in particular.

However, unbeknownst to him, behind the door, which Tobi had so considerately left open, Kakuzu stood. He was on his way to the backyard to wander around aimlessly, but when he passed the room, he heard Sasuke's completely useless declaration. To say the least, Kakuzu was suspicious.

With newfound resolve, the Uchiha stood. He walked out of the room and down the hall, tailed by Kakuzu, who was tiptoeing and looking from side to side suspiciously for no apparent reason. Two steps later, Sasuke turned around.

"What the hell are you doing?"

"Uhh…practicing my ninja skills?" offered Kakuzu hopefully.

Sasuke raised an eyebrow.

"Um, I thought you were a girl because you looked so pretty and I wanted to ask you where you got that nail polish?"

Sasuke looked vaguely disturbed.

"…I wanted to ask you if you had soda?"

Sasuke began inching slowly away from the masked man.

"I wanted to ask you where the bathroom is!" Kakuzu yelled triumphantly.

Sasuke sprinted. And not toward Kakuzu.

In fact, he ran in the other direction as fast as he could, and straight into a scythe. I am quite disappointed to say that it was not the blades that he collided with.

Sasuke looked up at the offending weapon's owner.

"How the fuck are you on this goddamned fine day, kind sir?" asked Hidan in a polite tone.

"W-who the hell are you?" asked Sasuke.

"My retarded shitty name is Hidan. I am one of this fantastic dipshit organization called 'Akatsuki.' You are in our spacious, fucking empty lair. Our mission is to collect fucking gay unicorn tokens so that we may rule the fucking entire world and take revenge on that dick named Chuck E. Cheese. Would you like to contribute to our not goddamn worthy cause, you sparkly drag queen son of a bitch?" The silver-haired man said all of this with a gentleman's demeanor, scaring Sasuke more than even Kakuzu had.

"I-I thought you guys collected b-bijuu…" said Sasuke weakly.

Hidan appeared puzzled. "But how the hell does fucking bijuu-collecting destroy Chuck E. Cheese's fucking useless hopes and dreams?"

"…It doesn't. And neither does collecting unicorn tokens, because, well, Chuck E. Cheese doesn't exist…"

Hidan was aghast. "He…he doesn't fucking _exist_?"

Sasuke shook his head. "No, no he does not."

"B-but what of my goddamned reason to live? What of my purpose?" wailed Hidan, who dropped his scythe and was now shaking Sasuke like a doll. "Tell me, o fucking mighty, terrible, cruel bringer of truths! Give me a fucking life dream! You owe me, you bastard!"

And just like that, Sasuke smiled for the first time since he was damned by the Evil Rock.

**Dramatic gasp! Cliffhanger! Of sorts! Yeah! Chuck E. Cheese! *dies* What made Sasuke so happy! What will he wish for? Not that Hidan is a genie, no, of course not. What would ever make you think that? Pssht. *waves hand dismissively***

**K. I don't have anything much to say anymore (for once). I'm tired…**

**Review if you feel like it. (I would never review this story…probably just read it and then ditch it…*sweat drop* Something tells me that I need to produce better quality work, not just crap written on a whim.)**


End file.
